Motherhood is a strange place!

You know you’re a mother when…

You’re willing to post pictures where you look just okay or possibly bad, on social media – just because your child looks adorably cute in that picture!

You’re willing to relocate and travel a long distance from home to work and back everyday – just so that your child can go to the best school easily.

You’re willing to spend every spare moment for and with your child. Yes, you haven’t combed your hair in 3 days, your eyebrows look like the “before-I-knew-eyebrows-could-be-trimmed” days, you’ve been on page 12 of a book for 2 months now, your wrist has been aching every time you pick the little one up for weeks now.

Your happiest achievements are not that of yours – but that of your child’s. Every new word, every new action deserves widespread publication, while you receive Sarahah messages on how you’ve “let your career go” since you birthed a child.

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Your dreams and goals are no longer about you – they’re all about your child. When you envision 10 years down the line, you see your little one all grown up, and shining like a star. Even better, you also see yourself in a corner, applauding your child with happy tears in your eyes.

When you make any potential future plans, all of them revolve around one priority – the bub. His/her needs take precedence over every other factor.

Motherhood changes you from within; it changes you before you realise you have changed. Suddenly one day you wake up and find – there is no longer an I; there is just me – my baby’s mommy.

It may take a while, or possibly a long time, or perhaps never, to find myself in the mommy. But for now, there is only one thing I know – to raise a child to be a kind,  independent and successful human being, it is important to be invested 100% in his growth and development.

And motherhood makes you happy to do just that!

Toodles.

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So I had a baby…

I know this post comes just 9 months too late. I would have loved to introduce my little one to the world through this blog instead of facebook… but well, I didn’t quite have the energy to write paragraphs back then. So I now have a 9 month old energetic-but-fast-turning-naughty bub. Let’s call him baby V, okay? (V here is for Vedanth).

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In my 9 months of parenting, the one thing I’ve realised is that life is an endless and vicious circle of “The grass is greener on the other side”. When baby V was a tiny newborn, I loved the break from a busy corporate life, loved the pampering and attention, and adored the sight of this cute squish snuggling against me.

As he slowly crossed the first two months, I became restless and wanted a break, if only small, every day. Just a few minutes for myself, to actually get dressed (even though I’m not going out anywhere), to meet people, to do things that I liked, for a change.

And then it was actually time to go back to work again, where I loved the 3 months of part-time working – it pretty much felt like the perfect balance between work and child. But then, alas, it was time to go back to being a full time corporate employee, and now I find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum – wishing that I was home with my baby.

Although I love working and am here because I want to.. I love the financial freedom that makes me confident that I can take care of baby V’s needs.. a part of me can’t help missing baby V every moment I work. This is a curious phase.. my heart and mind are in two different places, not doing enough in either place, never doing justice to all my roles, and on top of it being exhausted all the time and completely losing myself in the process.

Everyday I think I’ll be more organised going forward – I’ll drop fewer balls, I will not miss any of baby V’s needs, I’ll spend less time on social media, and so on. However, in my sleep deprived state (I’ll write a whole post about what a terrible sleeper baby V is later), I can barely wake up in the morning. Efficiency flies right out the window.

And then I reach home from work and see baby V’s rasagulla face, and I completely forget all these meandering thoughts, because all I want to do then is squish him and cuddle and play with him and make him laugh like there is no tomorrow.

Eventually I figured out that I keep feeling lost because I’m looking for the wrong thing. There is no normal like before; instead, there is a new normal where there is no “me” anymore, but a we – that is, baby V and me. So now instead of trying to find scraps of “me time”, I simply let go and enjoy whatever time possible with the bub.

Yes, I let myself go sometimes; I am not exactly on top of everything I need to do, I am not doing great accomplishments at the moment. But that is okay, because baby V will never be this age or this way any other day! And today, all that matters to me is every single second we spend together.

Toodles!

 

 

A spring clean-up

It is time to clean up my life – I’m going on a severe decluttering spree – right from my journals at work, to the dusty shelves at home that have accumulated with many bits of infinitely useless things over the years. It is the time to clean it all up, in anticipation of a big arrival in a few months, which will require, and haughtily occupy all this space and more!

There is nothing I like better than spring cleaning! It gives that breath of fresh air to your whole life, and parallelly evokes a freshness in your thought, and a new perspective on things. Of course, I did feel terrible giving away bags and bags of books, but well – I need the space, and the library needs them more than I do.

I felt terrible having to give away perfectly good clothes too – but one ought to be rational! When we’ve consistently been putting on 9 kilograms over 3 months, we ought to realise that some clothes are simply never going to fit us again. And the iron akka’s daughter was going on vacation to her native village, to spend the summer there. She had a look of pure joy in her face when I gave her the clothes, that is unparalleled by anything else I’ve seen so far.

There is a lot more cleaning to do – I’ve only just started. The very thought puts a spring in my step! 🙂

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks

New beginnings!

It has been 5 months since I last wrote here, and my life has turned topsy-turvy in the meantime. Topsy-turvy in a good way, rest assured! Sometimes… well, most times, when life hands you something that you weren’t exactly planning or expecting at that point, it takes you a while to regain your balance, to come back to normal.

Well, there is no coming back to normal; in retrospect, you just find a new sense of balance – a new normal. And it has taken me all this while to find my new normal; what’s more, I know that in a few very short months, I’ll be going through this exact phase all over again! (hint: expect a hiatus from the blog then too). However, post that hiatus, you can expect a ton of posts here, as I will have a ton of new experiences to write about! 🙂

The one thing I did learn in such times, is to never lose yourself amidst the chaos. This realisation has dawned on me, upon suddenly realising that I have read exactly one book since the beginning of the year, and blogged zero posts.  Amidst my progressively busy life,  with new experiences almost every day,  I have also taken a resolution to steadfastly stick to the old! Always try your best to be and do what is closest to your heart, and you will survive practically anything. 🙂

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks

 

It is that time again…

That time when  I am suddenly seized with a bout of reflection on how pathetically I am living my life. Bouts that come when I suddenly get enough time to actually reflect on my life. Bouts that come when I suddenly come across shared quotes on Facebook that talk about how you should live life to the fullest, and do what makes you happy.

Bouts that make me realise that I am not doing exactly that!

Yes, I am lazy like that.I somehow miraculously have time to check the Facebook newsfeed every day (and nowadays, I even manage to scroll through, and endlessly “heart” posts on Twitter), but I whine and whine inanely about not having time to blog, or pursue my passion for writing, like this mundane post.

Ah! I feel much better already; venting out in a public space is sometimes all you need. Okay, so I am going to stop now, and start doing something worthwhile, like revamping my life!

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks

 

And I let go… :)

And miraculously, just like that, in an instant, I let go! I let go of something I’ve been desperately wanting for a long time now. If it is meant to be, it will be. And if it is not meant to be, well.. what is the point of pushing at a door that refuses to budge?!

I surprised myself tremendously! I didn’t think I had it in me to NOT go behind this.. but curiously, I did, and how! It just took me a long time to get there; for ages, I made myself believe that this should be my sole purpose in life, that I would be absolutely incomplete without it. Hence I went behind it with all my might; I tried everything in my power, I saw positive signs everywhere, I desperately willed my entire being into making this happen.

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But now that it didn’t, and it probably won’t.. I am fine! Amazingly, I am just the same, and I feel as whole as I ever did! Now when I look at people who have what I wanted, I feel no envy, no disappointment, no nothing in fact. All I get is this curiously vague sense of detachment, like I’m looking at them from the wrong end of a telescope, and they don’t really hold any interest for me.

Even more amazingly, I feel refreshed! All of a sudden, I realised that in place of this one goal, I can have a 100 new goals, and go behind each of them with a 100 times more zest. I have some wonderful things in my line of sight already, and I’m sure, many more such wonderful things to come.

The best part is that, letting go of things that weigh you down, releases you.. like a catapult! You go from being weighed down into a bottomless pit, to soaring high in the fields you’re best at! This one experience was like the universe’s sign to me that I’m finally.. finally on the right path! 🙂 And with that knowledge, there is just no going back!

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks

Time for a turnaround!

The time has come.. when I’ve finally come to my good senses! It is time to let go of doors that are not opening for me (because let’s face it, they’re probably the wrong doors), and go after the right doors, or well, try some of the other doors that I have been wanting to. It is is time to look at life from a different perspective..it time for the turnaround! 🙂

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Toodles,

Writer on the rocks