2017 – the lost year

Yes, I call it that because 2017 was a year where I felt lost many a time. It was “the” year in my life when I had felt the most directionless, and quite clueless. I wouldn’t call it eventful – days melted into sleepless nights and the year was over even before I realised it had begun. Now as I write this slightly late new year post, I realise that I barely have any recollection of what I did this year.

If there is one thing that defined this year for me, it would have to be baby V’s milestones. Watching him grow up and blossom into this adorable boy has been such a wonderful journey. His growth and naughtiness is sometimes the only thing that reminds me that a whole year has gone by, and last year this time, he was just a teeny tiny baby who was gurgling with laughter.

download

However, 2018 promises to be a lot more than that. While there will still be a lot of baby V’s now full-throated laughter, and endless cuddles and kisses that make every waking moment worth living, there will also be a lot more of Me! I have made some tough decisions towards the fag end of last year, and this year would be all about taking them forward.

Except.. the first 4 days of this brand new year have shown me how beautifully our best laid plans can fall apart. I’m a sleepless chaotic mess (this is also why this post is 4 days late, instead of being written on the midnight of December 31st with many poignant memories of the year gone by, as I had originally planned).

I have listed down (by pen, mind you) a big bunch of goals and resolutions and to-dos for this year. However, quite a few people have warned me that they’re watching out for my blog posts, and hope that I will blog at least this year.

So, therefore, yeah.. I’m going to keep up this resolution first! Happy New Year folks! May God bless you with your heart’s wish this year.

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks.

 

Advertisements

Crossroads

After a very long time (thankfully), I’m at a crossroad again. I know I need to go forward, but I don’t know exactly where, and certainly not how.

Sometimes, multiple avenues open up at the same time and thoroughly confuse you. One moment, I appear to be on the cusp of something that could potentially turn out great – but the very next, I see a deep abyss which can really be known only if I actually traverse that path.

Which way to go?

It gets worse. Choosing one would cost me the other opportunity forever. The amount of time and effort I need to invest into going into any of these paths is colossal. 2018 might indeed turn out to be the “year of the stretch” for me, irrespective of which path I choose (except if I decide to stagnate, that is).

So, I was in a complete quandary for the past couple of days, and I tried any number of methods (think ‘lots’) to pick one path, but alas, they didn’t work. And just as well.. because when that clarity of thought and decision finally hits you like a bolt of lightning, you know with absolute certainty that you won’t have it any other way. You can be sure that your mind, heart and instincts all point to the same path.

I now have a purpose in mind, and a very long and hard way to go, to get there.

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks

 

Deja Vu

“It is strange how the same thing happens over and over in one’s life – at different places and different times, yes, but the same thing essentially”, she mused. It is even stranger how it invariably ends up drawing out all the faded memories of the “same” things that happened at various times, years ago.

A memory from a college lecture in 2007 flashed before her eyes; as stark and vivid as it had happened yesterday. Another one from her first corporate job, on December 15, 2011 – one of the worst days of her life. She surprised herself by remembering them so clearly; she hadn’t thought about those incidents in years, and didn’t realise they were still lodged at a corner of her limbic system, ready to be retrieved at a moment’s notice.

It made her realise something then; it made her realise something now. She briefly wondered, “Is it I who attract this behaviour from people repeatedly? Or do I simply make friends with the same kind of people all the time?” She smiled sadly, “It doesn’t matter. The world is a treacherous place; the more aware I am of this, and the more cautiously I interact with people, the better it is for me”.

Sometimes, it helps to be a cynic. Sometimes, it helps to be detached. Sometimes, it is the only way to survive in this world.

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks

Motherhood is a strange place!

You know you’re a mother when…

You’re willing to post pictures where you look just okay or possibly bad, on social media – just because your child looks adorably cute in that picture!

You’re willing to relocate and travel a long distance from home to work and back everyday – just so that your child can go to the best school easily.

You’re willing to spend every spare moment for and with your child. Yes, you haven’t combed your hair in 3 days, your eyebrows look like the “before-I-knew-eyebrows-could-be-trimmed” days, you’ve been on page 12 of a book for 2 months now, your wrist has been aching every time you pick the little one up for weeks now.

Your happiest achievements are not that of yours – but that of your child’s. Every new word, every new action deserves widespread publication, while you receive Sarahah messages on how you’ve “let your career go” since you birthed a child.

images

Your dreams and goals are no longer about you – they’re all about your child. When you envision 10 years down the line, you see your little one all grown up, and shining like a star. Even better, you also see yourself in a corner, applauding your child with happy tears in your eyes.

When you make any potential future plans, all of them revolve around one priority – the bub. His/her needs take precedence over every other factor.

Motherhood changes you from within; it changes you before you realise you have changed. Suddenly one day you wake up and find – there is no longer an I; there is just me – my baby’s mommy.

It may take a while, or possibly a long time, or perhaps never, to find myself in the mommy. But for now, there is only one thing I know – to raise a child to be a kind,  independent and successful human being, it is important to be invested 100% in his growth and development.

And motherhood makes you happy to do just that!

Toodles.

So I had a baby…

I know this post comes just 9 months too late. I would have loved to introduce my little one to the world through this blog instead of facebook… but well, I didn’t quite have the energy to write paragraphs back then. So I now have a 9 month old energetic-but-fast-turning-naughty bub. Let’s call him baby V, okay? (V here is for Vedanth).

download

In my 9 months of parenting, the one thing I’ve realised is that life is an endless and vicious circle of “The grass is greener on the other side”. When baby V was a tiny newborn, I loved the break from a busy corporate life, loved the pampering and attention, and adored the sight of this cute squish snuggling against me.

As he slowly crossed the first two months, I became restless and wanted a break, if only small, every day. Just a few minutes for myself, to actually get dressed (even though I’m not going out anywhere), to meet people, to do things that I liked, for a change.

And then it was actually time to go back to work again, where I loved the 3 months of part-time working – it pretty much felt like the perfect balance between work and child. But then, alas, it was time to go back to being a full time corporate employee, and now I find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum – wishing that I was home with my baby.

Although I love working and am here because I want to.. I love the financial freedom that makes me confident that I can take care of baby V’s needs.. a part of me can’t help missing baby V every moment I work. This is a curious phase.. my heart and mind are in two different places, not doing enough in either place, never doing justice to all my roles, and on top of it being exhausted all the time and completely losing myself in the process.

Everyday I think I’ll be more organised going forward – I’ll drop fewer balls, I will not miss any of baby V’s needs, I’ll spend less time on social media, and so on. However, in my sleep deprived state (I’ll write a whole post about what a terrible sleeper baby V is later), I can barely wake up in the morning. Efficiency flies right out the window.

And then I reach home from work and see baby V’s rasagulla face, and I completely forget all these meandering thoughts, because all I want to do then is squish him and cuddle and play with him and make him laugh like there is no tomorrow.

Eventually I figured out that I keep feeling lost because I’m looking for the wrong thing. There is no normal like before; instead, there is a new normal where there is no “me” anymore, but a we – that is, baby V and me. So now instead of trying to find scraps of “me time”, I simply let go and enjoy whatever time possible with the bub.

Yes, I let myself go sometimes; I am not exactly on top of everything I need to do, I am not doing great accomplishments at the moment. But that is okay, because baby V will never be this age or this way any other day! And today, all that matters to me is every single second we spend together.

Toodles!

 

 

A spring clean-up

It is time to clean up my life – I’m going on a severe decluttering spree – right from my journals at work, to the dusty shelves at home that have accumulated with many bits of infinitely useless things over the years. It is the time to clean it all up, in anticipation of a big arrival in a few months, which will require, and haughtily occupy all this space and more!

There is nothing I like better than spring cleaning! It gives that breath of fresh air to your whole life, and parallelly evokes a freshness in your thought, and a new perspective on things. Of course, I did feel terrible giving away bags and bags of books, but well – I need the space, and the library needs them more than I do.

I felt terrible having to give away perfectly good clothes too – but one ought to be rational! When we’ve consistently been putting on 9 kilograms over 3 months, we ought to realise that some clothes are simply never going to fit us again. And the iron akka’s daughter was going on vacation to her native village, to spend the summer there. She had a look of pure joy in her face when I gave her the clothes, that is unparalleled by anything else I’ve seen so far.

There is a lot more cleaning to do – I’ve only just started. The very thought puts a spring in my step! 🙂

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks

New beginnings!

It has been 5 months since I last wrote here, and my life has turned topsy-turvy in the meantime. Topsy-turvy in a good way, rest assured! Sometimes… well, most times, when life hands you something that you weren’t exactly planning or expecting at that point, it takes you a while to regain your balance, to come back to normal.

Well, there is no coming back to normal; in retrospect, you just find a new sense of balance – a new normal. And it has taken me all this while to find my new normal; what’s more, I know that in a few very short months, I’ll be going through this exact phase all over again! (hint: expect a hiatus from the blog then too). However, post that hiatus, you can expect a ton of posts here, as I will have a ton of new experiences to write about! 🙂

The one thing I did learn in such times, is to never lose yourself amidst the chaos. This realisation has dawned on me, upon suddenly realising that I have read exactly one book since the beginning of the year, and blogged zero posts.  Amidst my progressively busy life,  with new experiences almost every day,  I have also taken a resolution to steadfastly stick to the old! Always try your best to be and do what is closest to your heart, and you will survive practically anything. 🙂

Toodles,

Writer on the rocks